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It Dawned On Me...

Emotions

24/8/2016

12 Comments

 
The last two weeks of my life has been filled with overwhelming emotion.  The beginning of last week was spent packing the rest of Summer's belongings and preparing to move her to Nashville where she is a freshman at Welch College.  We are so very proud of her, and she is right where God wants her, but it is hard to let go.  I spent Tuesday travelling and chatting and enjoying just being with her.  Wednesday we hit the ground running as we tried to accomplish all of the tasks that needed to be completed while I was in Nashville with her.  From Wednesday to Friday she got her two vaccinations that she needed, signed her Mary Kay contract (let her know if you need any new make-up), we shopped for the things she needed for her dorm room, we ate at Chick-fil-A (twice), we moved her into the dorm, she registered for her classes, and she ordered her books.  It was a great couple of days.  


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Then, Friday night, as we were getting ready to go eat dinner with my aunt and uncle, the fun stopped.  At eight weeks pregnant, I began having a miscarriage.  I can't tell you how much I prayed that this would not be how we spent our last hours together before we said good-bye.  Summer loved this baby and was excited.  We had just spent time that afternoon talking about names.  We had told very few people that we were expecting and now our baby was gone.  My heart was breaking, and my husband was miles away.  I was extremely grateful to have had my Uncle Sandy and Aunt Dari there with me.  They found out the best place to take me, took me there, and stayed with me.  They were such a comfort.
The doctor said that I would be okay to fly home the next day, and so I did.  I had not had any pain at this point and was just ready to get home. I was thankful to make it home before I became uncomfortable. 
A couple of weeks ago as we talked about announcing this pregnancy, we talked about the likely things that we would hear. 
- Was this baby planned or an accident?
- How many kids are you planning to have?!
- Don't you know what causes that?
- There are ways to prevent that, you know!
- Another one?!
- Are you guys trying to be like the Duggars?
We have heard it all over the past several years.  We talked about how we would respond.  Even though this baby will never live in our house, I would still like to respond:  We have come to believe that babies are not something to be planned and scheduled.  They are a gift. Psalm 127:3 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."  It is not about what I think I can handle or what I want.  It's about what He wants and will give me the strength to undertake.  We haven't always thought this way either.  There has been a working in our hearts over the past few years that brought us to this point.   It was always our plan to have 2 kids, maybe 3, but that was our plan.  And no, we are not trying to be like the Duggars.  We cannot imagine life without the children that God has placed in our home.  They have taught us so much and have been an integral part of our ministry here.  Two of them are even Canadian.  What blessings would we have missed if we had made it about our plan instead of God's?
There have been several things flying through my mind in the last few days as we have walked through this painful process.
* I hate the word "fetus".  Why can't they just say "your baby"?  
* The phrase used here for miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion".  Oh how I hate that word "abortion".
* There is nothing worse than looking at an ultrasound screen and seeing a baby with no heartbeat.
* No matter how many babies I have, I love each of them so much it hurts.
* It is not an easy thing to tell children that they have lost a sibling in this way.
* Miscarriage is a physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting and painful thing.  It just plain hurts.
* I am blessed to have a family who grieves with us and values the life of every child, born or unborn.
* I am blessed to have children who want to do whatever they can to make my life easier and more comfortable.
* I am thankful for a husband who sits calmly by and holds my hand when I need to pour out all the thoughts and
   emotions flying around inside of me.
* I am thankful for parents who are willing to drop everything two days after a move to come help me.
* While I am thankful for modern medicine and the fact that I have medical care, I despise waiting rooms.
* Most of all I am thankful for a God who is always present to comfort and give peace in the midst of the storms of life.
People never seem to know what to say during a time like this, so don't feel like you have to say anything.  However, your prayers on our behalf would be greatly appreciated.  That is all we really need.

​
12 Comments
Andrea Maxey
29/8/2016 01:24:13 pm

Lifting you up in my thoughts and prayers. What a tough time! Most people consider another baby as an inconvenience, believe me I see it all the time. But for those of us who consider every life precious we grieve with each baby who is never held. These are cherished ones who live in the hearts of their family forever. The comfort is knowing that an earthly life is temporal but eternal life if forever. Cling to the line, "what a day of rejoicing that will be." Love you guys!

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Tracy Barrow
29/8/2016 01:36:15 pm

I am so sorry for what you have experienced. I can't say I know how you feel. But, I. can say that I will pray for you. You know all the clichés. I promise I am praying for you and your whole family.

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Donna Bullock
29/8/2016 01:57:52 pm

Dawn, I'm so sorry you've had to experience all of this ! Praying for y'all !

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Doris Cunningham
29/8/2016 02:59:08 pm

I cannot understand why anyone would feel entitled to share that they think you too many children. I also dislike foetus and spontaneous abortion. To me my baby was my baby and the word abortion did not have a place in the situation . To me, it hurt to lose a baby. This baby mattered no matter how manyI could have later on. If the child was alive and died, would people say : "Ìts ok, you are well, you can have more" Of course not. The number of children you have is a private matter, never to be appropriated by family, friends, church family and acquaintances to comment on. Never. Your feelings about your loss are yours, judgement and opinions are inappropriates. Empathy. love and encouragement are all that is appropriate. Love

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Janice Hill
29/8/2016 04:28:44 pm

Dawn, praying for you during this time.

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Sandra Berry
29/8/2016 07:05:58 pm

So sorry you have to suffer this. You told about it beautifully...Many prayers and much love to you and your sweet family. <3 <3 <3

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Diana Postlewaite
29/8/2016 09:10:03 pm

We love you and are lifting you and your sweet family in prayer. You are such a wonderful mom and friend.

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Jenny Hall
29/8/2016 11:53:30 pm

I love your heart for God, for your husband, for your children, and for the ministry God has given you. I pray He continues to heal your body and your emotions as you have the faith to trust His heart.

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Tina Stickney
30/8/2016 02:36:09 am

Dear Dawn, my heart aches for you. I know both of the pains you feel, all too well. Our trip out to NY was very traumatic. It was not only incredibly quick, but I left two of my boys behind that I didn't get to say goodbye properly to, which also meant that their siblings were left feeling lost from all the changes. We found out I was pregnant while on the road but decided to wait to tell anyone until we were settled because of all the, sure to be, negative comments. We didn't even tell the children yet. However, while living with my mother in law (Heath living 3 1/2 hours from us) I miscarried our beautiful baby. And it was a very traumatic and painful miscarriage. I ended up having to tell my older boys because of circumstances and tried not to go to the hospital but ended up having to tell my MIL and go the next day. (she has not always been supportive and doesn't care for me). It was very traumatic. Once we finally settled into our new home months later and the adrenaline of surviving with my 9 kids while moving around like nomads had worn off and I felt safe, my heart started grieving. I grieved losing not just the 1 baby, but 3, because I never got to grieve over the changes going on in our household. I miss my boys so very much and I know God has them in the palm of His hand. Sometimes, we still grieve over the losses and changes even though we love it here. I will be praying for you and your beautiful family.

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Sonnie southern
30/8/2016 04:22:41 pm

I am praying for you all and know how precious these little ones are. Love you all

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Sherl Gowen
31/8/2016 04:38:28 pm

I'm praying for you and your family! I pray for God to carry you in these hard and hurtful times. I have three grand babies in Heaven. Love you! Hugs!

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Suzan Wright
31/8/2016 10:22:53 pm

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I just prayed for peace, comfort and strength for God to lift you up during this emotional time. Having had 3 miscarriages myself, I can agree with your last sentiments. Take care and much love.

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    Dawn Elliott

    I'm a missionary, a wife, and a homeschool mother of five.  

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